Why “How Often Should We Have Sex?” Is the Wrong Question

Why counting tells you so little about your sex life, and three questions to ask instead.

I hear this question in almost every first session with a couple, phrased a little differently each time: what’s normal?

How often should a couple our age, together this long, with kids this old, be having sex? Is once a week enough? Is twice a month a red flag? Somebody read somewhere that happy couples average X times a month, and now that number sits in the room with us like a third client, silently judging everyone.

I don’t believe in normal when it comes to sex. I’ve sat with many people whose sex lives look nothing alike, and who are all doing fine in their own way.

Frequency tells you almost nothing. A couple having sex twice a week out of habit and quiet resentment is not doing better than a couple having sex once a month and enjoying it.

Pleasure as a guide

The sex educator Emily Nagoski has a phrase for this, and I use it all the time: 

pleasure is the measure

In Come Together (chapter 2), she explains that what tells you how your sex life is doing is whether you like the sex you’re having. How much you crave it, how often you do it and how many orgasms you have tell you much less.

So when a couple asks me “how often?”, I give them three other questions to ask to navigate towards a more fulfilling sex life. None of them has a number for an answer.

1. What gives me pleasure?

I mean what gives you pleasure today, in this body. What you think should, what worked ten years ago or what works in porn doesn’t count.

Get specific. Slow or fast? A firm hand or a light one? Lights on, or almost dark? Do you love being kissed on the neck, or does it tickle and take you out of the moment?

Then ask what sex gives you right now: closeness, release, feeling wanted, play, escape? These are all fine answers. Knowing yours makes it much easier to ask for it.

Next post: the exact words I teach clients to turn an exhausted “no” into a need that gets met.